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...{ kyle's stupid blog }...
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Tuesday November 14, 2006 (09:56am) “Now you know. THIS is what it feels like.” (while listening to The Big Come Down bu Nine Inch Nails) "There is a hate that burns within! The most desperate place I have ever been! Try to get back to where I'm from! The closer I get, the worse it becomes! THE CLOSER I GET, THE WORSE IT BECOMES!" -Nine Inch Nails (The Big Come Down) Last week I went to the clinic and my doctor lowered my steroids to 25mg a day. He told me to wait a week, and if everything is fine, lower it to 20mg. So, starting tomorrow I'll be low enough on steroids to do the hip replacement. I called my orthopedic and set it up for Novemeber 28. Finally, the ball was starting to roll. But the ball didn't get very far before I realized that I probably need to push the date back another month. I keep hearing and reading all these different things about hip replacements, but one thing I can almost count on is that it will be at least a few weeks of me not doing much of anything, and if I get the replacement done on the 28th I would miss too much school, including the finals. So, it looks like I'll have to wait until around December 19 to get it done. Which would mean that I'll probably be bedridden for Christmas. I mean, I could wait until after Christmas, but that's just too long to wait. I need to get this hip taken care of ASAP. The closer it gets to the replacement, the more I'm starting to worry about it. I'm really scared of having major surgery, but it's not just that. I keep hearing and reading all these things about a hip replacement, and they're all a little different, which frustrates me to no end. But if I'm to believe everything that I've heard, my life will is gonna have to change in more ways than I was prepared for. I saw detailed pictures on what a hip replacement looks like, and it was not what I expected it to be. I guess I didn't listen to the doctor when he explained it to me or something. I don't know exactly what I thought was gonna happen, but certainly not the pictures I saw online. Even right now I get a little faint when I think about what is really going to happen to my hip. Some websites explain what things I can and can't do in the weeks and months after surgery, and if I'm to follow the more stricter rules to the letter of the law, I will literally be unable to function on a daily basis by myself. They say that I cannot bend down or raise my knee above the hip (90 degrees), so I won't be able to dress myself or put on socks. I'll have to get a booster toilet seat and raise my bed at least another foot off the floor to avoid problems. I'll have to rearrange a lot of things in my room cause I won't be able to bend down for months after the surgery. If it was just a matter of pain I wouldn't be so worried, but they're worried about it coming out of place or breaking if I'm not careful with it. But my biggest concern is probably school. Some websites say the recovery can take up to 6 months, which means I might not be able to go to school next term. If that is true, then I'll have to start paying back my school loan immediately. That would totally suck ass if I can't go to school next term. Most websites I saw didn't mention it, but a few said that I will never be able to play sports like basketball, football, or bowling ever again. I mean, I COULD play them, but I would run the high risk of damaging my new hip. I already kinda knew that playing sports wouldn't be a big part of my future, but even still, a huge part of me died inside when that fact sunk in. I'll never have medical clearance to play the three sports I love playing for the rest of my life. The whole thing has me bent out of shape. I'm angry, depressed, pissed off, worried, and scared all at the same time. I feel like I not only need to start preparing to play the role of "patient" again, but I also need to start preparing for the rest of my life. I use to have this image of myself, in the future, when I was passed all the medical problems and I was "normal" again and I could start living life the way I wanted to. But that image has been fading and now it's almost completely gone. The truth is that I'll never be normal again. I will always have to play the role of the "patient". From here on out, there's no more image of a guy who crawled through shit and came out clean on the other side. Yeah, I crawled through the shit, but it left me covered in crap with a stench that will never go away. All that's left for me to do is accept it. Kyle
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